Did I Hear that Right?
by Stellata
Summary: Harry eavesdrops on a conversation he shouldn't have listened to. Surely Hermione wasn't doing THAT with Fred and George Weasley? With cucumbers involved, misunderstandings are sure to abound... Humor, Harry/Hermione one shot. Co-written with Spelunker.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own it all! Muahuahuahua! ...Oh, JK, J.K. Rowling...

Warning: Suggested adult happenings between a man and a woman lie ahead...

* * *

"This is getting ridiculous!"

"If you'd just stay still for a few more minutes..."

"But this is so uncomfortable!"

"Miss Granger, put that smile back on your face, or it'll be ten points from Gryffindor!"

"Humph. Fine."

"Much better."

"Just - put the cucumber a bit farther in."

"It's so - oh Merlin - so big!"

"Maybe a bit further in?"

"Hermione, do it now, or you don't get your present..."

"Ten inches, remember!"

"I'm - oh, ah, mmm, _trying..._"

"Ooh, very good - hold it right there."

"I don't think I can - ah - stay this like for much - Merlin! - longer."

"Really, Fred, I think her legs are going to give out."

"But its the perfect pose... Wait, spread your legs a bit farther apart..."

"Uh, oh, ah - ah! George, I need you now!"

"George, go help her out."

"Oh - oh God yes, thank you, thank you, thank you..."

"Better, Hermione?"

"Just a little... harder - oh yes, _yes!_"

* * *

Harry breathed hard. He had never been this aroused in his life. He just had to see - had to see Hermione like this; naked, moaning, and in the throes of passion.

He nudged the door slightly open, hoping for just a glimpse...

"Who's there!"

Harry stood stock still with fright as Fred flung the door open. He was caught, with very tight trousers, spying on what must be the hottest threesome he'd ever imagined that didn't include himself in it.

"You okay, Harry?" Fred looked at him, bemused.

Harry blinked. Fred was wearing - a paint-splattered apron. Harry quickly turned to see Hermione.

She was fully clothed, and had her arms stretched overhead. In her hands was a large blue glass bowl in which was an tastefully arranged assortment of fruits and vegetables. George was standing by Hermione, and helping hold up the bowl with one hand.

"I, er - what - what are you doing_?_" Harry asked weakly.

"Painting a still life," Fred said cheerily. "The bowl has to be _just so_... Just at that height, to go with the tapestry in the background."

He waved his paintbrush and splashed the front of Harry's trousers with dark blue paint.

"Oops, sorry Harry."

Harry gulped and covered the spot quickly, murmuring that it was quite all right.

"For heavens sakes," Hermione said in exasperation. "My arms are exhausted, we'll finish this tomorrow, Fred. I can wait until then for my chocolate cake, but it had better be ready when we're done."

"I know, dark chocolate, cherry sauce, white chocolate flakes, must be ten inches in diameter," Fred sighed. "Fine, I'll see you tomorrow, at ten o'clock sharp!"

"See you!" George called merrily as he took the bowl from Hermione.

* * *

Note: There will be a second chapter to conclude the story, but it will contain more Mature content.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own it all! Muahuahuahua! ...Oh, JK, J.K. Rowling...

Warning: This chapter is rated M because some actual adult happenings between a man and a woman lie ahead...

* * *

Hermione walked over to Harry, groaning and massaging her arms.

"Let's go, Harry," she told him with a small smile. "They're crazy... but they know how to make the best chocolate cake."

"Okay," Harry muttered, and let Hermione take his hand and lead him down the hall.

"Where'd the paint go?" she wondered. "Oh, do take your hand away, Harry. There's no need to be embarrassed. It's just paint, and its not even your fault."

Harry tried to object, but she had pulled him into the girl's bathroom and brought him to the sink.

Then she was kneeling on the ground, with her head at his crotch, inspecting the paint stain.

"We'll have to wash that off," she said worriedly.

"Right now?" he gasped, unable to look away when her full, pouty lips.

"Right now, or it'll stain," she stared at it closely, moving closer until her mouth was almost touching him. He could feel her hot breath, and Merlin, was he reacting.

_How did she not notice it?_ Harry thought desperately.

Then he felt something _warm_ and _wet_ and _firm_ press against it, and he went cross-eyed. Oh, God, was she_ lickin_g...

Oh. No. Somehow she had gotten a warm, damp washcloth, and was trying to clean away the paint... But Harry had never seen anyone massage a stain that slowly or carefully before. But he had reached the point of no return - he certainly wasn't going to tell her to stop _now._

"I'm trying to be careful," she told him, and he looked in her eyes. God, she looked so intense, so beautiful, so sexy right now. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Very - considerate - of you," Harry rasped. She didn't look away, just smiled at him slowly, with her teeth.

"Come on," she said coaxingly to the stain. "Come on off."

Harry clutched the edge of the sink so tightly his hands turned pale white. He was sure he was breathing heavily, and Hermione wasn't letting up. Her massage was firm and steady, much better than his own ever was...

"I think I'm getting it," she smiled innocently up at him, still staring into his eyes.

"Yeah - yeah."

"Looks like its close," she whispered, and Harry still couldn't look away.

"Very close," he croaked.

"I wish it would just - _come off._" She said indignantly, but still smiling. She gave three particularly hard rubs, and Harry let out a little cry as he felt himself draw up to the edge.

"Hermione, Hermione," he moaned, and felt his vision begin to blur -

Then, suddenly, all friction stopped. He blinked as he drew back away from the edge.

"What - Hermione?" He gasped, totally disoriented.

"I got it off," she said. She was suddenly standing, and the washcloth was thrown in the trash.

His vision cleared again and he could see the mischievous smirk on her lips.

_She had known exactly what she was doing the whole time,_ Harry thought in wonder. Well, he could fight fire with fire.

"You most certainly didn't _get it off_." With one swift move, he had her pinned against the wall. Harry bent his head and began to kiss his way across his neck, every third time biting down hard.

"Ah - Harry," she gasped.

"You teasing witch," he growled and he nipped at her ear just as he pressed his body firmly against hers.

Hermione gasped and shivered.

"You're going to get back what you gave me - and more."

"That a threat?" She managed to say.

"A _promise._" He moved his lips to kiss her firmly, and she kissed back frantically, with all the passion she had. "You ready?"

"For you? Always," she cried softly before moving to kiss him again.

Harry smiled into the kiss and silently vowed to never stop eavesdropping, as long as it got him into situations like this.


End file.
